the ghost of Gregory Hines …

welcome to sam waterston’s playhouse …

While most were watching Sunday NFL Football, Mrs. Rengerz and I watched the Sunday Teacher Town Hall Forum. Sure, this is a more meaty topic than I usually delve into, but it’s also incredibly important.

Watching the two hour cable special was maddening, as I know it was for a lot of teachers. The teacher representatives lacked teeth, the questions bounced away from uncomfortably hot issues with A.D.D. like alacrity, and there was a disturbing trend towards handing off the mic to 25-year old teachers with a penchant for blabbing out the same shamefully ignorant sentiments:

“Well, I don’t exactly know how it works in every school district, but where I work, tenure is so totally unnecessary. I know I’m good at my job, and that should be enough. Some of my co-workers only show up for work like two days a week, and they still have jobs.”

Awesome. Brilliant. Of all the ills travailing education in America, you picked tenure. I know that because you’re twenty-five, you’re on the bottom, working ruefully with some lady that’s three times as old as you are, and promising yourself, “that will never be me.” But someday you won’t be on the bottom rung of your staff, you’ll be that old vet you’re working with right now. And when that day comes, that nice principal that liked and hired you will be long gone, and after you’re three or ten principals deep into your teaching career, you may sense a need for tenure that so totally eluded you at twenty-five. Then, and only then, shalt thoust ever open thine trap about tenure again with millions of people watching and judging our profession.

Not that I’m accusing MSNBC of planting their own agenda on the teacher tenure issue, only of pre-interviewing beforehand, and then upon discovering these young moppet-heads’ naivete on the tenure issue, swiftly supplying them with mics. Okay. I’m totally accusing MSNBC of an agenda.

So. In the immortal words of Magnum PI, “I know what you’re thinking.” Don’t foray into the forest without a plan to get out. What’s your plan?

Fair enough. Here goes. These are my top three cost-effective ways (no, I did not say cost-free ways) to improve education immediately.

1. Year-round schooling, eliminating the traditional two-and-a-half month summer vacation.

Why? Better retention. Of course. Everyone knows that. Honestly, though. Because an alarming chunk of students are safer at school than at their abusive and/or neglectful homes. Yup. Deal with that hearty slice of reality for a moment. Teachers do. Everyday.

2. Mandatory dress code.

Why? It will save parents money, not cost them more. It would also irrefutably boost student self esteem when a child isn’t punished daily with the reality of the haves, and the have-nots. I think we can all agree, let’s gift every child the opportunity to attend school as an equal amongst their peers. As soon as college hits, kids are free to imitate whatever rugged, individual teenage pop star that our society cherishes so sacredly at that moment.

3. All girl public schools. All boy public schools. K-12.

Schools and segregation have an hotly bonded history in America. Ironically, segregation of the sexes will absolutely supercharge student performance in this country like rocket fuel. Let’s face a truth we all know is absolute. Sexuality and attraction are the most potent body chemicals on the planet earth. Respect the power of life. And while 2nd Graders aren’t interested in reproduction (neither were most teenage mothers, notably) any elementary school teacher will attest that “he/she is not my friend” stops learning in its tracks. Talk about your “educational kryptonite.”

Eliminate the overload of distractions on students’ minds. What to wear? Does she like me? That’s what weekends were made for.

Yes, federal funds would be needed to assure school bus transportation for parents that can’t afford to drive their girl and boy to different sites every morning. Yes, up front federal funds would be required for overhauling the infrastructure of public schools to allow all-girls, and all-boys populations. While separate sites would be most ideal ultimately for this goal, initially, just segregating the genders into different classrooms at the same site would be sufficient, and then girls and boys could all recess together at lunch and play time. Rather than funneling billions towards charter schools and public school reform, these changes would cost roughly 50% less to implement over five years.

Well, there you have it. You want real tactile solutions, Washington? There they are. Just do it, baby.

PS – And for the love of God, leave teachers alone. Simply because they are a conveniently underpaid target to vent your frustrations upon, thereby making them unable to hire expensive super-lawyers to battle the unfounded attacks, doesn’t make this anything less than persecution of the poor. You don’t see the the BAR Review scrutinized like this.