Okay. It’s official. Nasa scientists have now confirmed that three out of every two males in the contiguous United States have ‘toos (and at least half their girlfriends do as well).

I’m speaking, of course, about tattoos. Once a thing for bikers, inmates, that dude from the Guinness Book of World Records, and native Maoris, now ‘toos have taken over.

‘Toos first began cresting about fifteen years ago in popular culture. Shortly thereafter, an inexplicable outbreak of ‘toos erupted amongst the athletes of the three major American sports (Jason Williams, this is your life).

Today we are inundated with ‘too-age.

What stands out most about this surge in body art? One, not all tattoo artists are good tattoo artists. Two, they’re not coming off. I have seen the future, and it is a retirement home filled with ‘tooed senior citizens.

I’d like to now take this opportunity to state what everybody has been thinking (but is too afraid to say). Caucasians (white people) need to back away from the ink. No. Seriously. No other group of people looks as maligned in tattoos.

It’s just something about the way the light hits the dark blue ink, contrasting against the pale, pasty alabaster skin that just seems to scream, “gross.” It’s mesmerizing, actually.

I found myself standing behind a red-headed lady at Panda Express the other day. She had a large butterfly pasted across the back of her nape and shoulders. It was all I could do to just stand there and ponder the poor winged creature impacted across this woman’s freckled back like so many bugs impaled on the grill of an eighteen-wheeler. It was kind of like one of those 3D optical illusion pictures where a battleship pops out of the middle if you stare with unbroken concentration for 55 minutes, never blink, and bend time and space around your retinas (those things should only be sold accompanied with a sixty-four ounce liter of Visine).

Anyway. My point is, my fellow caucasoids, it’s a bad look for us. It’s not an artistic accent on our skin, but a glaring skin disorder. If David Beckham can’t even pull it off, then what chance do the rest of us really have?